


First Step to Recover

by heylittleangel



Series: Supernatural Bingos [7]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Depressed!Castiel, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mentions of Suicide, Panic Attacks, References to Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, lots of suicidal thoughts, please, read the tags, triggering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-12
Updated: 2019-10-12
Packaged: 2020-12-13 16:30:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21000731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heylittleangel/pseuds/heylittleangel
Summary: Castiel doesn't even see the time go by anymore; he barely even see what happens around him anymore. And if he could, he would stay like that forever, or until the darkness came and stopped everything. But Dean's there and he isn't letting Castiel give up.





	First Step to Recover

**Author's Note:**

> Guys, _PLEASE_ read the tags before reading. This can be triggering to some people and I don't want anyone putting their mental health at risk to read this. It does have a happy ending, but can still be triggering, especially because I'm sure there are people who have felt like this once. __
> 
> _  
_This story came from a real life event that happened to me once, and I could've never gotten better if it wasn't for my best friend. So, if anyone feels like this or experiences this, there'll always be someone out there that'll care about you, even if you don't know it. And if you feel like there isn't, you're more than free and welcome to come talk to me. And, please, be safe. Your mental health is so important and you should take care of yourself. I know it's hard, sometimes it's one of the hardest things we could ever do, but I believe in all of you. I'm always open to help if anyone needs it._  
_

Castiel opens his eyes slowly, dreading the consciousness that comes along, and the grey ceiling of his room comes to a focus as his eyes adjust to the low light around him. He doesn’t know how long has been since he last closed his eyes and, with all of the windows and doors closed, leaving just a minimal light from the street inside of the apartment, he can’t see if it’s day or night to try and estimate it. Not that it would make any difference; he has long stopped caring about keeping track of the days passing by as he stays curled up in his bed under three blankets.

He doesn’t know when was the last time he ate or drank anything—hell, he doesn’t even remember when was the last time he actually _ got out _ of his bed. He probably should get up, even if it’s only to check the cats' food and water so they won’t starve or dehydrate to death. He sighs, closing his eyes again, and tries to gather some strength to get out of the bed. He knows it’s not his cats' fault that he feels the way he feels, and that they don’t deserve to be treated badly just because of what he’s going through. He needs to be a little strong, even if it’s only for them.

Castiel takes a deep breath but feels a weight on his chest. Opening his eyes, he sees his younger cat on top of him, just a few months old, staring at him with big, green eyes—eyes so green that they remind him of someone he loves and hasn’t seen in a long time. He shakes his head, trying to get the green-eyed man’s image from his head, and pets his cat, stroking behind his ear with just the tiniest hint of a smile.

“Has your food run out?” The cat only purs, rubbing its head against Castiel’s hand with its eyes closed. “I’ll get up, I promise, just give me some time.” The cat lays on Castiel’s chest, rolling until his belly is exposed and looking at Castiel with his head turned upside down. The cat meows, blinking his eyes slowly at his owner. Castiel’s lips give a quick quirk on the right side, the closest thing to a smile in what must be months. “All right, you’ve convinced me; let’s get some food for you and your brothers.”

The cat stands up, meowing happily at seeing his owner starting to get up. Castiel throws the blankets to his side and puts his feet on the cold, dusty floor, shivering at the contrast with his warm skin. He grabs one of the blankets, wrapping it around his shoulders, and stands up. He almost falls when his legs fail to support his weight. He puts his hand on the wall, his head spinning, and tries to take deep breaths while his body gets used to the new position. He closes his eyes, exhaling shakily; he probably needs to eat something, who knows how long it has been since he last ate. 

He starts to walk towards the door, still using the wall as support, squinting his eyes when he sees the light coming from the window—it’s just a crack on the curtain, but, for someone who has been isolated in his room for who knows how many days in the dark, it seems like the sun is in his living room and is trying to burn his eyes out.

Castiel walks to the kitchen, shivering against the cold air in the apartment. He makes his way to the bowls on the floor and sees that it still has some food and water, which means that he hasn’t been hidden in his room for too long—maybe a couple of weeks or so. He thanks whoever invented a bowl that you can put food and water to last a couple of days without anyone having to check it; he could at least spend more time hiding with those. 

He changes the water in the bowl and completes the other with food. His three cats come running as soon as they hear the food package being open, sitting around Castiel with big eyes, waiting for him to put the bowl back in its place. Castiel’s hearts tightens when he sees how his cats were just waiting for him to take care of them, which only makes him feel worse for not getting out of the bed for these last couple of weeks—or is it months already? He has no idea. All three of them go straight to the food bowl when Castiel places it on the floor again.

Going to the fridge, Castiel opens it, looking for anything edible that is easy and fast to eat, not wanting to spend too long out of his bed. He finds a frozen meal, probably from the last time he actually tried to pretend he was fine. He smells it to make sure he’s not going to get food poisoning if he eats it; that’s the last thing he needs.

The smell is normal so he decides to heat it and eat, just so he won’t die of starvation. Or maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if he did—he doesn’t even feel hungry anymore, so he wouldn’t probably even feel anything; and it’s not like he has been living the best of his life at the moment anyway. 

Shaking his head to get rid of the thoughts, he sits on one of the chairs in the kitchen, tightening the blanket around him, and watches his cats eating their food happily as his own heats up. He should try to find someone that could take care of them since he can’t even take care of himself, and the last thing he wants is his cats suffering because of him. Maybe he could call Dean; he would probably be more than happy to help Castiel, but he’s allergic, so there’s no way Castiel could ask that from him. Castiel closes his eyes and tries to get Dean’s image out of his head. It’s been probably months already and Castiel shouldn’t think about him or he would just get worse—if that’s even possible.

But keeping his cats is also a good idea; taking care of them is the only thing that makes Castiel get out of bed, which also makes him eat.

The beep from the microwave startles him, making him open his eyes, breath caught in his throat and panic starting to flow through his veins. His heart beats strongly against his ribcage as he looks around him with wide eyes, trying to find the source of the noise. When he finally realizes it was only the microwave, he relaxes a little, getting his breath back to normal, heart starting to beat steadily again. He stands up, takes the plate from the microwave, and sits back on the chair. He stares out of the window while he eats, not really seeing anything that happens outside of it, his eyes blank and unfocused. He doesn’t even taste what he’s eating.

He puts the plate in the sink after he eats and gets one of his bottles, filling it with water. He doesn’t want to die dehydrated, so he needs to at least drink water while staying hidden in his room. He makes his way back to his room, placing the bottle on his nightstand along with the empty one. He gets under the million blankets he has on it, burying himself under them, with his eyes closed and mind empty—already prepared to stay a long time like that again, not paying attention to anything around him, just wanting to close his eyes and not open them again.

**↞★** ~ **★** **↠**

Castiel is so deep in his mind that when he hears the door of his apartment open and then close, he thinks it’s just his brain trying to trick him into thinking someone could _ actually _ be there and care for him. It could be a burglar but Castiel doesn’t care enough about it, as long as they leave his cats alone. He just ignores the noises, tightening the hold on the blanket and letting his mind and body go numb again. 

He thinks he hears someone muttering under their breath and footsteps outside of his room, but he just keeps ignoring it, thinking that maybe it’s just in his neighbour's apartment or that he is imagining things—which wouldn’t be the first time it happens since he decided to hide in his room. He almost falls back to sleep when the noises stop.

There’s a knock on the door some time later and Castiel thinks he’s hallucinating he sees a silhouette between the door frames, not being able to recognize the person because the light is coming from behind them. The person walks closer to the bed, saying something Castiel can’t hear, but he can identify the voice as clear as the day used to be to him.

“Dean?” His voice sounds hoarse and it hurts his throat to speak, probably because it’s been a long time since he last used his vocal cords, but he tries anyway. 

The man smiles and kneels until his face is on the same level as Castiel’s. “Hiya, sunshine.”

Castiel shakes his head and closes his eyes. “No, you’re not really here, my mind is just trying to trick me into believing you are.”

Dean puts his hand on Castiel’s face and its warmth is almost too much for Castiel to bear. “I’m here, Cas, it’s really me, your mind isn’t tricking you.” Castiel feels the blankets raising and another warmth comes to him. He opens his eyes slightly, seeing Dean’s face close to his. Dean puts his arms around him and holds him tightly, voice soft against Castiel’s ear, “You haven’t talked to anyone in months, Cas, _ months _. We were so damn worried. What the hell happened?”

Castiel buries his face on Dean's chest, his eyes starting to water. “I-I, I don’t know.” He looks at Dean’s face again, a hand coming to rest on Dean’s cheek. “Are you really here? You feel so real.”

Dean smiles softly, putting his hand on top of Castiel’s. “I am, angel, and I’m going to take care of you if you’ll let me.” Castiel only nods, burying his face against Dean’s chest again. Dean runs his fingers through Castiel’s hair, only for them to get stuck in a knot. “You need a shower, Cas. And your house needs a cleanup. How long has it been since you last got out of bed?”

Castiel shakes his head, trying to concentrate. “I think it was when I put food and water to the cats, but I don’t know when that was.”

He hears Dean sigh. “Well, they still have food and water, so I don’t think it’s been that long. And when did you last eat?”

“The same day I put food for the cats.”

Dean shakes his head. “Damn it, Cas, you can’t do this. You can get sick.” Dean puts his hands on Cas’s cheeks, raising it so he can look at Castiel’s face, eyes roaming on him. “You lost so much weight that your cheeks are hollow now. I don’t even know how you’re still alive.” Castiel tenses as if he got hit and Dean rubs his hand on his cheek. “I’m sorry, Cas, that was harsh.” Dean lets go of Cas and gets out of the bed, standing up and stretching his hand. “C’mon, we’re gonna get you under the shower and then put some food in you.”

Castiel shakes his head, putting the blanket on top of his head, his heart already starting to beat fast. “I don’t want to.”

He hears Dean sigh again and then feels a hand on top of his. “I know you don’t, angel, but you need to. I can’t let you do this to yourself, I’ve already been away for so long. Let me take care of you, please. Just a shower and food, okay?” Dean takes the blanket out of Castiel’s head, who looks up at him with eyes full of tears, making them shine in the low light. “Remember the first time you had a break down with me?” Castiel nods. “Do you remember what you made me promise?”

Castiel exhales a shaky breath, nodding. “I asked you to help me get through that and any other crisis that would come, even when I didn’t want to take care of myself.”

“Exactly, and I intend on keeping that promise, Cas. I’ve kept it for almost twenty years already, I ain’t gonna break it now. C’mon.”

Castiel wipes the tears from his eyes and stretches his hand until it lays above Dean’s. “If I do it, then I can go back to bed?”

Dean nods, smiling. “Of course, _ if _ you let me change these sheets. I’m not gonna let you lay here after taking a shower.”

Castiel manages a ghost of a smile and accepts the hand Dean’s offering him. He stands up with Dean’s help, who puts an arm around his waist, holding almost all of Castiel’s weight. They walk together to the bathroom, the cold floor sending chills through Castiel’s spine. Dean puts him sitting on the toilet while he takes Castiel’s clothes off of him. 

Castiel starts to shiver when the cold air touches his hot skin. Dean puts a hand on his forehead. “You’re burning hot, Cas. See what I say about you getting sick?”

Castiel lowers his eyes, looking at the pile of clothes on the floor next to Dean. “I’m sorry, Dean.”

Dean’s eyes soften as he puts his fingers under Castiel’s chin, making him look at Dean. “You don’t have to say you’re sorry. You’re not okay and that is fine, you don’t need to pretend you are when you only feel like being in your bed without talking to anyone, but you can get very sick and I don’t want that. And I’m sure you don’t, even with the way you’re feeling right now.”

Castiel nods while Dean opens the register, checking the water to see if it’s hot. “I just don’t have the energy to do anything. Even taking care of my cats already sucked all of the energy I do have, I-I just wanted everything to stop. And I thought I was alone, that no one would even care if I was gone.”

Dean kneels in front of Castiel, taking his head between his hands. “I know you feel that way, but there’s always going to be someone that cares about you, even if you don’t believe it. You have me, Sam, Gabriel, Eileen, Meg, even your cats. How do you think they would be if you were gone?” Castiel shakes his head, tears running down his face. “They would miss the hell out of you. And even if you still believe there wouldn’t be anyone who would miss you, there’s you, and nobody else can care more about you than yourself. We can all do everything we can to help you get back on your feet, take care of you and make sure you’re on the right path, but _ you _ need to take the first step and accept our help. Because there’s nothing we can do if you don’t want help, doesn’t matter how much we try.” Dean cleans the tears off Castiel’s face. “Come on, let’s get you under the water and get you cleaned up.”

Castiel stands up, holding Dean’s hand, and steps inside the bath, lowering himself until he can sit with only his head out of the hot water. Dean wets Castiel’s hair and then opens the shampoo bottle, putting some on his hand and then starting to scrub Castiel’s head. He repeats it three times until he’s sure Castiel’s hair is clean. Castiel relaxes under Dean’s soft touches like he hasn’t in months.

Dean hands Castiel the soap. “You think you can clean yourself?” Castiel nods, taking the soap from Dean’s hand. “Okay, I’m going to get you some clean clothes and change the sheets in your bed, okay? I’ll be right back.”

Castiel nods again and Dean leaves the bathroom after giving him a smile. Castiel starts to soap himself, scrubbing his skin hard, until it starts to become red, just then moving to another place of his body. He cleans himself automatically, not thinking at what he’s doing—his brain continues blank now that Dean is not close to him. Castiel thinks that maybe this blank isn’t so bad because, at least, he’s not thinking of drowning himself in the tub like he did the last time he managed to take a shower. He should count this as a win.

He hears footsteps and startles, eyes wide when he looks at the door. Dean raises one of his hands, the other holding some clothes, when he sees the panic in Castiel’s eyes. “Hey, hey, it’s okay, it’s just me. I didn’t want to startle you, I’m sorry.”

Castiel blinks rapidly. “It’s okay, I was just focused on my mind.”

“Well, that’s never good, especially when I know how your mind works.” Dean walks closer to the bath, putting the clothes on the sink and then taking a towel from the pile. “C’mon, let’s get you dry and put some clothes on you so you can eat.”

Castiel stands up, stepping out of the bath, and Dean wraps him in a towel, getting another one to dry Castiel’s hair. Castiel dries himself with the towel he has around him until Dean is satisfied with the hair, he then dresses himself as Dean empties the tub. Castiel realizes that the clothes Dean got for him are Dean’s clothes, and that makes him feel better when he smells Dean’s perfume in it. 

Dean walks by Castiel’s side until they’re in the living room, one arm around Castiel’s waist. Castiel falls on the sofa, exhausted just by those little things, not used to them after spending so much time secluded. 

Dean wraps a clean blanket around him and sits by his side. “So, I was thinking. We could go out and get something to eat, what do you think?” Castiel looks at Dean, his blue eyes starting to widen with terror, and he shakes his head frantically. Dean immediately raises his hands. “Okay, okay, we don’t have to go out, it’s okay.” Dean opens his arms, waiting for Castiel to make the move if he feels like it. Castiel buries himself between Dean’s arms, hugging him tightly. Dean hugs him back, kissing his forehead and rubbing his back soothingly. “We can order in, okay? No problem. What do you think of pizza?” Castiel nods against Dean’s chest, putting his arms around Dean’s waist. “Okay, I’ll call and order a pizza for us. Same as always?” Castiel raises his head a little, looking at Dean’s eyes and nodding again. “All right.”

Dean rests his back against the couch with Castiel between his legs and arms, and manages to get his phone out of his pocket without disturbing Castiel, and calls the place he knows Castiel loves. Castiel stays with his face hidden in Dean’s neck, trying to get his mind and breathing under control. Dean’s scent helps him do that—Dean has smelled like leather since the first time Castiel met him, because of the Impala, grease from when he works on Baby or during his time as a mechanic, a little like whiskey after they got old enough to drink it, and now he has a weak smell of chamomile, probably because that’s what he uses in his clinic, with the excuse that makes the patients feel better. But Castiel knows better and he knows it’s because Dean himself loves the scent. Dean has always smelled like home to Castiel, the one person who managed to calm him during his panic attacks or whenever he was starting to lose his mind.

Castiel thanks Dean mentally for having the same smell for all these years, changing just a little, but getting better every time that happens, even though he’s sure Dean doesn’t notice it.

After Dean ends the call, he turns the TV on and Two and a Half Man is on. Castiel hears the show but doesn’t turn his head to watch, content only with listening to it along with Dean’s heartbeat. Dean keeps rubbing smoothing patterns on Castiel’s back, letting him feel safe just by having someone next to him, knowing that’s just what he needs—someone to be there with him, without having to talk or do anything, because he can do that when he’s better.

They stay like that until the doorbell rings, letting them know that the pizza is there. Castiel lets Dean go—reluctantly— so he can go and get the pizza. Castiel tightens the blanket around him and turns his head to the TV, getting so absorbed in Charlie and Allan that he doesn’t even notice Dean until he is by his side again.

Dean offers him a sweet smile, putting the box on the coffee table. “Do you feel better?”

Castiel nods slightly, moving so Dean can sit by his side again. “A little. I started to feel hungry.”

“That’s great, sunshine. Good thing that I ordered two pizzas then because I’m starving.”

Castiel manages to give him a weak smile as Dean hands him a slice. They eat in silence, laughing at the funny parts of the show—Dean more than Castiel, but even the small laughs Castiel gives already makes him feel slightly better. They each eat five slices of pizza—and Castiel doesn’t fail to notice Dean’s smile because of it—and Dean puts everything in place after, Castiel stays curled up at Dean’s side, listening to his heartbeat while Dean has an arm around Castiel’s waist and his head resting on top of Castiel’s. 

Castiel doesn’t know how long they stay like that, losing track of the time when he closes his eyes. When he opens them again, Dean’s still there, in the same position as when Castiel closed his eyes. Castiel takes a deep breath, gathering strength to talk. “Dean?” 

“Yeah, sunshine?”

“Why did you decide to come after me? I-I thought that no one would come.”

Dean sighs. “Well, you stopped answering or giving any news to us around fours months ago but we thought it was because you were worried about your finals and I know you like to stay away from your phone so you can study without being disturbed.” Castiel nods. “After two months of radio silence, I still thought it was weird because your finals were supposed to be over, but I know that your master’s degree has a really weird chronogram and I have zero ideas of how it works here, so I still thought you were studying and I was really busy at the clinic and at the hospital, and I thought you would call if something happened. I didn’t even see the time passing. Another month passed and I started to think it was _ really _weird, so I called Sam and neither he nor Eileen had any news about you either, so I called Gabe and he said he hadn’t heard from you in months either. I even called Meg since she’s kinda close to you but she didn’t know anything. I got very worried so I decided to take my vacation days and I flew here to check on you because you weren’t picking up my phone calls.”

Castiel raises his head, staring into Dean’s eyes—the green eyes that he has loved for so long. “Yo-you flew here?”

Dean nods. “Of course I did. I know you’re the one that usually goes to the US but I had to come and check up on you.”

“You flew for me?”

“Of course I did, angel.” Dean puts his hands on Castiel’s face, staring at those deep blue eyes that are filled with hope and love. “Cas, you’re my best friend, my soul mate, the true love of my life, the one that I know will always be there for me, just as I’ll always be there for you too. There aren’t enough adjectives for me to tell you what you mean to me. You’re one of the people I love most in this world, Cas. I would do anything for you.” Castiel’s eyes start to fill with tears, some running down his face. Dean cleans them with his thumb. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here for you when you needed me.”

Castiel shakes his head weakly. “It’s not your fault, Dean. I-I should have called, told you how I was feeling, but I lost track of the time, I didn’t even see the days going by because the only thing I wanted to do was keep my eyes closed. I tried to pretend I was fine for a while but I got tired of it. And I didn’t want to be a burden on you. You already have a lot of it.”

Dean smiles. “You will never be a burden on me, Cas, I promise. And I promise I will be here for you now, even when you don’t want me. You’ll get sick of how much you’re going to see me.”

Castiel tilts his head. “What do you mean?”

“I got a job offer here in the hospital and a place at the university to get my master’s degree too. I was thinking of taking it.”

Castiel sits straight so fast that he almost falls. “Here? You mean you can move here?” Dean nods, lips open in a smile. “I can’t believe it.”

“Well, you should. We can finally be near each other again, Cas.”

Castiel gives the first real smile in five months and throws his arms around Dean, hugging him tightly. “I would like that very much, Dean. But, do you want that too?”

“Are you crazy, Cas? Of course I do, I’ve missed you so much since you moved here to study. These past years have been so hard for not having you around me. All I wanted was to move here or have you move back home. Nothing seemed right since you moved out. And I’m actually excited to move out of the country.”

Castiel stares deeply into Dean’s eyes. “Nothing seemed right here either. And I want that too. I want you with me.”

“Does that mean you want me here?”

“Of course it does, Dean. I’ve missed you so much.” They hug each other tightly.

“But we need to clean this house first, Cas, it looks like a war zone here.” Castiel laughs, holding Dean’s head between his hands.

“I love you so much.”

Dean smiles fondly. “I love you too, sunshine.”

Castiel kisses Dean with the same intensity as a drowning man would breath: like he needs it to be able to live. And maybe he does. Not everything’s resolved and it’s not like Cas will be 100% again straight away, but he knows there’ll be someone by his side, helping him with each step of his recovery, and that if he falls, Dean will be there to get him and help him back to his feet, and that’s all Cas needs to take the first step on getting better. 

Dean is right, no one can help him if he doesn’t help himself first, and, maybe, all he needed to take that step was someone by his side to tell him that he can do this and that he doesn’t need to be alone to do it, because, no matter what, there’ll always be someone to care about him.

**Author's Note:**

> Again, if anyone needs to talk or wants to have someone they can talk to, I'm always here for it. I know how it feels and I know how much sucks having to go through all of it alone. I can't promise I'll have all the answers, but I have dad jokes and bad puns to try and make you laugh.
> 
> As always, you can find me on [ tumblr](gii-heylittleangel.tumblr.com)


End file.
